- The stupid challenges where you have to name a band without the letter E or a country with the letter Z. I especially hate the teaser: “Bet you can’t do it!” This is retarded people. It makes you sound like you’ve been held back in grade one for life. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
- The cloying “re-post this if you love your dad/mom/brother/fish/best friend/ketchup.” Similarly, the lame “who will be brave enough to repost this” post about cancer, animal cruelty or third-world issues. Fuck off. I love my dad but I don’t have to prove it by posting someone else’s words about what daddy daughter love is. Grow a pair and stop following the crowd, sheep.
- The cryptic, desperate, dramatic status updates, like, “wow – that wasn’t as bad as I thought” or “I’m nervous about my big day.” If you have something to say, say it. FB is not about being mysterious, loser. In fact, I would argue it is the exact opposite of being mysterious. And if someone feels sorry enough for you to comment: “Okay, I’ll bite – what wasn’t so bad?” You answer – you don’t leave them hanging, fucker.
But I actually really like FB. I think it provides value to our day-to-day lives and that value is joy and information. Sure you have to weed through some filler, but there are gems to be found.
For example, this morning someone posted this video: http://thechive.com/2012/02/01/guy-places-fast-food-order-in-a-manner-that-should-get-him-laid-video/ and even though I have a cold and feel like shit, I watched the video with a growing smile and then got out of bed a littler happier. Thanks FB for elevating my mood!
Or, for example, there are some really interesting FB pages, like:
https://www.facebook.com/IFeakingLoveScience, a page dedicated to the lighter side of science.
Or really smart people sharing smart ideas, like my friend John F.H., a philosophy guru who uses his FB page to engage in philosophical dialogue.
Or my friend Marc W., who uses his page to post news stories from around the world in an effort to bring the non-Fox News version to light.
Or my friend Craig H., who uses FB to entertain folks. For example, he found a piece of bread in the fridge at his office, and posted a photo of it (yes -- the photo above!) with the caption: “Really?” And then the following conversation happened:
- Tyler: No name on it = open season. Where is your office? I’m coming to eat that bread right now.
- Craig: It’s damn hard to resist that one piece of plain, dry bread. Hard to believe it’s been there three days. Thank goodness it’s Zip-locked!
- Tyler: That piece of bread is blowing my mind.
- Craig: I’m going as that piece of bread for Halloween.
- Tyler: I’m going to sheepishly show up at that piece of bread’s yoga studio and ask it out on a date. I need that bread!
- Craig: Message me your mailing address, and if that bread is still there tomorrow I will steal it and mail it to you.
- Tyler: Do you have to wait until tomorrow?
- Craig: If it’s meant to be, the bread will wait for you. I’m gonna steal the fuck outta this bread.
- Tyler: It’s the yeast you can do.
- Craig: If I could like that twice, I would. Also, I don’t have your address yet. Please be better at technology.
- Tyler: If I had that bread I wouldn’t need technology.
And then the next day:
- Tyler: Is it still there?
- Craig: I’m popping that bad boy into an envelope. (And there was a picture of the bread in an envelope with the bread showing through the envelope’s window).
- Tyler: That bread would look good in anything! Mail it! I’ll reimburse you for the toastage.
- Craig: Toastage! I loaf it! God speed doughy angel. (And then a picture of the envelope going into a mailbox).
- Tyler: I’m waiting with baited breadth!
(Now, I would have been tickled enough at the idea of mailing the bread, never mind actually mailing it. But he did. He actually mailed it.)
And then weeks later:
- Craig: Friends, I feel it's time to address the elephant in the room. After many anxious weeks, it seems our worst fears have been realized – that bread never made it to California. I didn’t include a return address, fearing I may somehow get arrested for sending a slice of bread through the mail in this post 9-11 era. I have many questions, as I'm sure you do. Questions like "where the fuck is that slice of bread?" The sad truth is we'll probably never know. That slice of bread is the DB Cooper of bakery items now; a hero whose story may never conclude, and as such, a hero whose adventure never ends. In a way this ongoing mystery is the real Ziploc bag – keeping the magic and wonder of that slice of bread fresh and flavourful forever.
And while I have no idea who DB Cooper is, this story is just fucking funny.
So to those of you who complain that FB is lame, boring or a time-suck, remember this: I am FB. You are FB. We are the content. It is what we make it, so if it sucks, make it better. And if you really hate it, if you cannot stomach how pedantic it can be, don’t use it.
Craig Huffipants Huffingster Huff