That feels right. We’ve all experienced those relationship problems first or second-hand.
But long before we’ve even bought into a relationship, we’ve spent time shopping around for the right partner and here’s the problem:
We can be terrible, terrible shoppers.
Our insecurities and baggage lead us into making shitty selections from the shitty section of the shitty partner store. Over and over. And that's why many relationships fail.
Example? You betcha!
For a long time, I was attracted to jealous men because their possessiveness made me feel loved. But I also hated feeling controlled, and I didn’t fully understand the situation, so it never worked out.
But because I was attracted to jealous men, I unknowingly narrowed my choices. Even if I chose the very best one, he was still going to be jealous and …
I was still choosing a shitty guy from the shitty guy section of the shitty partner store.
It’s dangerous when we don’t see the pattern for what it is – a clue to the real problem – because we see the pattern as reality and we condemn ourselves to repeat it. We’re all insecure in some way. We all have baggage. True. But we don’t have to keep repeating the same mistakes.
It took me a while to figure out that I was the only common denominator in my failed relationships, that I was looking for jealous men, and not that all men were jealous. It took me even longer to figure out why I needed men to prove their love for me in this way. But I did. (Fucking YAY that day. Seriously.)
It’s so easy to blame the other person, but …
That won't help. The answers aren't out there. They're inside. We need to look at ourselves. Which is scary, right? Because we have to accept our own flaws.
But if we're at the point where we’re routinely making grand statements like "men/women are all cheaters! There are no good men/women left! Men/women never commit!" then we need to do the work. We need to ask why we keep choosing the same type rather than blindly blaming the other person.
We have to face our insecurities. We have to unpack our baggage. And that sucks. But to paraphrase Edison:
You've not failed. You've just found 10,000 ways that didn't work.
Only when we've done the work will be able to see our choices for what they are – shitty. And then – after a lengthy road to being a better shopper – we can deal with all the other regular relationship issues. : )