The first article, “What makes you special? Trust me, it’s not how you look” sounded hopeful. I felt like I might read a little something about function over form. I didn’t.
The article is about the author’s friend who is dating a musician. The musician, who is only human and lonely, has adoring female fans who are “legitimately hot” and “terrifying … when it coms to their brazen determination to get what they want.” The friend therefore has to be more than just beautiful to ensure he doesn’t stray.
This article shares three life-changing lessons:
- Men are weak.
- Other women are terrifying predators.
- There is a way to be illegitimately hot.
You think there’d be a lesson on what makes you special. Like, say, your personality or values or something. Nope. No snowflake story here. Despite the title, which implies the benefits of function over form but never actually spells it out, all we learn is that to keep your lonely human man you’ll “have to dig deep and go for gold in order to maintain his focus” and “constantly assess the temperature on how everything feels. Is he happy?”
I kept reading and found a few inconsistencies. I learned that women should lie on their resume, be authentic on Instagram, love our bodies no matter what shape they are and strive to have the thin body “everyone is talking about.” It’s contradictory at best.
Take for example ...
This actual title of another article: “My best sex ever was with another woman’s boyfriend.” This is an amazing article about the time, you guessed it, the author fucked her friend’s boyfriend.
It’s important to note that the author is not described as “terrifying” like the women in “What makes you special?” This woman is depicted as fun and fearless. Those other women, the terrifying ones, I guess they aren’t as fun and fearless when they fuck someone’s boyfriend. I don’t fully understand the difference. Perhaps it’s subtle like the distinction between legitimately and illegitimately hot women.
Anyway, this article aims to be erotica but I’m not sure the author has ever had sex, so it comes across as, well, bullshit. I’ll summarize:
- They meet: their eyes met across the sauna room … he gave her his card … he told her he fantasized about fucking her to bits … she was so flattered that she felt no guilt.
- They fuck: he climbed on top of me and entered me with such force it almost took my breath away… we both came at the same time.
- They part: we met for the fourth and final time … during oral sex he answered his phone … it was his girlfriend calling to say goodnight.
Um, what? He carried a business card with him in a sauna? They both came at the same time the first time and with just vaginal penetration? And, really, he answered the phone during oral sex? No. None of that happened.
What the actual fuck, Cosmo?
This is Cosmo dictating what a woman can and cannot do, and being entirely contradictory about it. If a woman fucks your friend’s boyfriend, she’s a terrifying predator. If you fuck your friend’s boyfriend, you are a fun fearless female. Either way, the women are judged and either way the men are blameless.
Sigh. Really? Still? Again? More of this trifling advice that pits man-hungry caricatures of women against each other in an effort to win sex-stupid caricatures of men? It’s all a little uninspired, no?
Must you try so hard to be a piece of shit? Must you be such a consistent plague on the hearts and minds of women? Even though you can, you don’t have to. Instead, maybe try burning and perishing and causing embarrassment when remembered like that time we all bought snake oil or when we thought leeches were the height of modern medicine. Either way, fuck off.