If someone invites you to an event via email, and you are ignoring the invite because it sounds boring or it’s far or you have to bring an appie, and they harass you for not replying to their email, get huffy and say: “what? Is this 2001? I don’t check my email. Text me for crying out loud." Because so much time has likely passed, you can say you have other plans and they will apologize for being archaic. If someone invites you to an event to your face, and for sure you don’t want to go, say yes and then don’t show up.
Dear people throwing parties and asking people to bring their own food: Please stop. Why would I want to go to your house to eat my food? I have my food here already. See? It makes no sense.
Going, but not helping
If you don't want to help at dinner parties, just offer to help. Yell from the living room to the kitchen something like: “you need a hand in there?” No self-respecting dinner host will accept your offer.
Never tell people about the gross places your pet licks. For example, I am dictating this article right now while resting naked in bed. My cat just curled up on my chest and started cleaning his paws, which were on my boob and so he started cleaning my boob. He's super helpful that way. This is the kind of story you should not tell other people. It makes them feel uncomfortable.
Dear dog people: please never discuss how your dog eats your dirty underwear. Ever. This grosses me out and I let my cat lick my boob. See?
Do you tell a story about a particularly bad piece of advice you've been given. Everyone can relate to this. For example, tell the story of how your slutty aunt gave you the worst relationship advice ever when you were 16: "Shannon, if you ever want to keep a man, you have to take it in the ass." People love this kind of tale. It makes them feel better about their own family issues.
Yes. Do that. Your suspicions are correct: you are more fun when you drink.
Do that within reason. Do photobomb. Do not be a poser.
Don’t go around hugging everyone and making plans to see them soon. Just leave. Do the Irish Fade like a respectable party goer (not to be mistaken with the Harlem Shuffle, though this would be an awesome exit). If you fear your host will be upset, talk to them beforehand about their abandonment issues.
The next day
Send a thank you/I’m sorry text, depending on how the night went. Also, if you peed somewhere weird, go back in time and don’t do that.
Happy partying folks!