1. Uber-mini, frayed jean short-wearing jerks. Stop accosting me with your bushy-beaver-styled shorts, ladies. You know that right? That the frayed bit looks like a bushy beaver? It does. And it’s terrible. Knock that shit off.
2. Jerk hairdressers. You know the type – when you show them a picture of the haircut you want, they say: “You know you won’t look like her, though, right?”
Oh – you mean a new haircut won’t make me look like Michelle Williams? I won’t suddenly be 5'3” with the perfect pout and a B cup? My eye colour and face shape won’t change? So you are saying this $90 haircut isn’t a total fucking makeover?
Oh. I had no idea. I guess I won’t bother then.
Or … you can cut my hair to look like Michelle Williams’ hair and let’s quietly assume we both know you aren’t a:
- Plastic surgeon or
Just cut my fucking hair.
3. “I’m not a racist, but …” jerks. Yes – you are. Starting your sentence off with a denial does not make the rest of your racist comment less racist. Go on home and watch Fox News, your preferred corporate-purchased media creation with its news models sharing gorgeous stories about how minorities created the financial crisis and rah-rah white America. Yay racism, oops, I mean news!
4. Jerks who say “first world problem” when you complain about stuff. I get it. My car breaking down is not as bad as the incarceration of Palestinians right now or the mass bigotry in Ferguson, but a broken-down car still sucks and I think I’m allowed to vent for five minutes.
Also, you’re an inconsiderate dink. Why don’t you go take another selfie and post it with the tagline: “I don’t actually know what’s happening in the world. LMAO!” Which actually is a first world problem.
And speaking of venting ...
I feel better. Do you feel better? Or do you feel like I missed important jerk categories?
Indeed, there are a billion kind of jerks, but in an effort to not spend my entire week writing about them, which would put me in a foul mood and turn me into more of a jerk than I normally am, I focused on four. Trust there are more coming, people. Trust.