Maybe you’re thinking: “Oh, you mean, like, because you look at Facebook and your personal email?” No. No, I don’t mean that. And, FYI, you are boring.
Maybe you’re thinking: “Porn. Were you looking at porn?” No. Not that. I’m not trying to get fired.
I was tricked, people. Tricked!
Get Fired 1
I’m at work talking to Alona about which clothing steamer might be the best for me to buy. Innocuous enough, no? Yes. Then along comes Bryan. He joins the conversation.
He helps: “Have you heard of the Cleveland steamer? I’ve heard it’s pretty good.”
So I looked it up. On my work computer. In the office. I typed Cleveland steamer into the Google search box and in less than a second a picture of a guy taking a shit on a girl’s chest popped up. Because that's what a Cleveland steamer is -- someone shitting on your chest.
Get Fired 2
I’m at work talking to Andrew and Jaime about this cute video I saw on YouTube. It’s parents rapping about what it means to be a good parent.
It’s really cute, I say.
Wanna see it, I ask?
They do. But I can’t remember what it’s called, so I Google “parents rapping.” The first link that comes up is “how to rape your kids.”
What. The. Fuck. WTF?
No. No, Google. Wrong, Google. Parents rapping. Not raping. That second P is integral to my intent and to any possibility of my running for office one day.
There is no Get Fired 3. I smarted up.
But Fired 1 and 2 are in my history now. Forever. In ten years someone could fire me for looking at people shitting on each other and wondering what might be the best way to rape kids. And the only thing worse than getting fired will be knowing there are people in the world who think I’m into that. Ugh.
Dear Bryan: I will get you back for that one day. Also, you are gross for knowing what a Cleveland steamer is. I guess I am, too, now. Love a sad, gross Shannon.