1. People who stand at the end of escalators like 1) it’s not a machine that propels people forward and like 2) there is nobody else on the escalator, certainly not behind them, who might be ready to be propelled off the moving machine — just like they were moments ago! — and into the very area they are currently standing totally, wonderfully, completely in the way. Get out of the fucking way.
2. People who try to push into the subway car without letting the other people off first. They know. And they know that you know that they are being complete arseholes. But they have to do it. They have to make sure they get on the subway car right away because if they don’t, their entire lives will be fucked. They will lose a hand in a horrible car accident where they’ve run over and ruined a basket of kittens and a handicapped kid’s motorized wheelchair — the last one of its kind and the last one the poor kid’s family can afford on their benefits plan that decade — and then at lunch, they’ll get food poisoning, miss their job interview later that afternoon and have to continue pumping gas with their left hand for the rest of their miserable lives. So they have to get on first before the other people get off. Plus they are jerks.
3. People who hold hands as a group walking down busy sidewalks. You suck. Two people holding hands? Not a problem. Carry on. You and your bevvy of friends walking along, all holdings hands like everyone else wants to play Red Rover with you — we don’t. Stop it. Get outta the fucking way. It’s not cute. We don’t care of you are the awesomest friends ever in the whole universe and you’ll all be besties forever and ever and ever. You won’t. In less than a year most of you will hate each other, move away or get pregnant. You are fifteen and super annoying – go get drunk in a park like the other kids.
3.5. People with their enormous baby carriages large enough to house most of the downtown east side. Do you really need a carriage that big? Are you really going off-roading? Yes, you had a baby. Good for you. You did what a gazillion other people all over the globe have been doing since getting jiggy with it in caves. But I get it. You’re pretty amazing and your baby is pretty amazing and obviously needs the Hummer version of a baby carriage to spit up in when you go shopping for new lululemon pants. You are super annoying and you need to get the fuck out of the way, but you only get a half point because I like to stand on the sidewalk ramp, totally in your way, and make you ask me to move so you can maneuver your ridiculous vehicle off the sidewalk and onto the road. I stop short of noting that your baby carriage is, of course, capable of managing the curb. So fair is fair. You get a half point and I get half a point.
But, dearest reader, what gets on your nerves? Who needs to get out of your way?
Not sure what Red Rover is? Click here: http://www.pgpedia.com/r/red-rover
Not sure what lululemon pants are? Good for you.
Think a hummer is a blow-job? You’re right!